SideCHICK chronicles

“He said that the two of them are going through a rough patch and their going to break up soon.”
“I know she doesn’t make him happy, he tells me all the time.”
“If she was enough then he wouldn’t be with me”
“She’s not a mountain she can be moved.”

Famous lines in the history of female conversations. For years these words have been exchanged phrased differently and in different languages.

A pedi idiom that irritated me when I first heard it (still does) is “Monna ke selepe, re a adimana”.
It means a man is an axe, we share it.

Imagine that. How many women have heard this and figured “well I guess that is it then, I might as well make do with what I have”. It’s probably been passed down from generation to generation, where future brides are told to be strong and understand that is just the way things work.

Mcm, se voet man!

Married women and women in relationships must just refuse to settle for mediocrity man. And the woman on the side seriously needs to realize she is worth more than being “the other woman”.

Whether you call yourself Makhwapheni, mistress or side-chick it all boils down to the same thing you my dear, are the other woman. Not number 1, number 2 perhaps even number 3 of 5. You do not come first, ever. When he’s done doing whatever it is the two of you do, he goes back to her.

If you are thinking “Yeah vele, these girls are stupid. They waste so much time being second choice and allow themselves to be treated as such.”

Let me stop that train of thought right now. Here’s the deal. No guy will treat an “established side-chick” as second best. [established side-chick refers to someone who is not a one night stand but someone a man sees on a regular basis]. He will make her feel like she is the only girl in the world and Rihanna sang that, every girl wants to feel that way. Only thing is in reality, she is the only girl in his bedroom where she will always be because he cannot risk their relationship becoming public knowledge. The typical side-chick is a shoulder to cry on, in most cases the tears are caused by number 1 because of course the relationship between him and number 1 cannot be perfect otherwise side chick will not have the hope of becoming number 1 eventually. She knows all of number 1s imperfections and because of that she easily makes up for what number 1 is clearly unable to provide for this man. The problem with that is side-chick is so busy being the perfect substitute she never really focusses on who she is.

The side-chick is someone who has heard all the stories about mistresses and she knows exactly what is most likely to happen but another thing girls love is being the exception. Alicia Keys became side-chick of the year when she moved number 1 and became number 1 herself. Wedding ring + baby = bliss (side-chick dream fulfilled). If AK could do it and actually have most of the world applaud her, there is nothing wrong with hoping that all side-chicks out there could be as happy. Right?

Wrong. Exceptions are just too few and far between and even if you were successful at the back of your mind you will always fear that some woman will be you and boot you off the royal seat.

Often you will find that once a girl has been a side-chick once, she easily falls into this trap a second time and perhaps even a few times after that. What I have learned when speaking to most women who find themselves in this position is that they are so used to being in someone elses shadow that they do not now how to stand upfront. So many start to resent themselves for who they are that they fail to recognise their worth.

Society has presented the side-chick life as acceptable and in many ways glorious. With questions like: “There are never going to be enough men in the world so why not just take what you can get?” I understand why women would feel they might as well make do with what is available. But there are never going to be enough jobs in the world for everyone yet you keep fighting and refuse to settle for mediocrity in that area of your life.

If you have been trying to move mountains or have encouraged your friends to move mountains rather focus on becoming a mountain and encouraging people to become mountains. It is not worth it to see yourself as second best for the rest of your life.



8 thoughts on “SideCHICK chronicles

  1. Bathathe, we are not all Alicia Keys BUT we all have the opportunity to be someone’s mountain- cause we each had to come from someone’s ribcage, lol. No one ever remembers second place, there can only be one winner, let us strive to be winners and have greater aspirations and expectations of ourselves than being no2.
    Men will always try to have more, it is up to us women to say NO to being side chicks, rather than choosing to be second best, because being a side chick is a choice to be second best, cause you almost always know that there is already a girlfriend. Viva No1 Viva!!


  2. comment by Vhahangwele Nwashe on facebook: ‎”If you have been trying to move mountains or have
    encouraged your friends to move mountains rather
    focus on becoming a mountain and encouraging
    people to become mountains. It is not worth it to
    see yourself as second best for the rest of… your life.” the only reason a man would tell a side chick abwt his number1 wen they havn problems its coz he cares abwt her and its hurting him, so a side chock becomes a replacement for number1 and no matter how hard the side chick tries she can never replace number1 as number1 will always be perfect to the guy. And they say what goes around comes back around the same way u get him is the same way u gona lose him.


  3. As someone who has been a side chick 3 times over (under 3 different circumstances even) (in a previous life haha) I must agree that a lot of it has to do with a lack of self-confidence; where you do not see yourself as worth any more. And part of it is believeing what you are told about the temporary state of their relationship or about just how much he loves you and wants to break up with her (the old, I love you BUT I love her too) I used to even ‘understand’ why they guy was still with their girl…Id be like ‘of course he loves her, look at her, she’s stunning! Im lucky he’s even looking over here’ so it was a very bad space I was in. Because I didnt love myself, I could not love the number 1 girl enough to respect the man she loved and was with.


  4. wow! Thank you for commenting on behalf of those who have found themselves in this position. I honestly think people are more likely to take it seriously when someone who has been in that position says “well yeah, that’s true”. I really hope that if someone is still finds herself in this predicament she finds it in herself to introspect and one day she’ll go back and say, “yeah once upon a time…”. The aim is to get people to start thinking and with feedback I’ve received in random places such as the dining hall, I think we’re headed there. With comments that are honest, next level waddup!!!


  5. The reason BaPedi say that “monna ke selepe….” is because of polygamy & believe it or not, polygamy is still being practised. I, however, don’t think it’s ok for people not married to be living with that principle! It’s not ok for you to be stepped on like a welcome mat! It’s not right that these men take advantage of these women who are naïve & gullible! Though I guess that is how you learn (what is rubbish & what are gems) from life.


  6. Pingback: Proverbial patriarchy | Shandukani Mulaudzi

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