“He said that the two of them are going through a rough patch and their going to break up soon.”
“I know she doesn’t make him happy, he tells me all the time.”
“If she was enough then he wouldn’t be with me”
“She’s not a mountain she can be moved.”
Famous lines in the history of female conversations. For years these words have been exchanged phrased differently and in different languages.
A pedi idiom that irritated me when I first heard it (still does) is “Monna ke selepe, re a adimana”.
It means a man is an axe, we share it.
Imagine that. How many women have heard this and figured “well I guess that is it then, I might as well make do with what I have”. It’s probably been passed down from generation to generation, where future brides are told to be strong and understand that is just the way things work.
Mcm, se voet man!
Married women and women in relationships must just refuse to settle for mediocrity man. And the woman on the side seriously needs to realize she is worth more than being “the other woman”.
Whether you call yourself Makhwapheni, mistress or side-chick it all boils down to the same thing you my dear, are the other woman. Not number 1, number 2 perhaps even number 3 of 5. You do not come first, ever. When he’s done doing whatever it is the two of you do, he goes back to her.
If you are thinking “Yeah vele, these girls are stupid. They waste so much time being second choice and allow themselves to be treated as such.”
Let me stop that train of thought right now. Here’s the deal. No guy will treat an “established side-chick” as second best. [established side-chick refers to someone who is not a one night stand but someone a man sees on a regular basis]. He will make her feel like she is the only girl in the world and Rihanna sang that, every girl wants to feel that way. Only thing is in reality, she is the only girl in his bedroom where she will always be because he cannot risk their relationship becoming public knowledge. The typical side-chick is a shoulder to cry on, in most cases the tears are caused by number 1 because of course the relationship between him and number 1 cannot be perfect otherwise side chick will not have the hope of becoming number 1 eventually. She knows all of number 1s imperfections and because of that she easily makes up for what number 1 is clearly unable to provide for this man. The problem with that is side-chick is so busy being the perfect substitute she never really focusses on who she is.
The side-chick is someone who has heard all the stories about mistresses and she knows exactly what is most likely to happen but another thing girls love is being the exception. Alicia Keys became side-chick of the year when she moved number 1 and became number 1 herself. Wedding ring + baby = bliss (side-chick dream fulfilled). If AK could do it and actually have most of the world applaud her, there is nothing wrong with hoping that all side-chicks out there could be as happy. Right?
Wrong. Exceptions are just too few and far between and even if you were successful at the back of your mind you will always fear that some woman will be you and boot you off the royal seat.
Often you will find that once a girl has been a side-chick once, she easily falls into this trap a second time and perhaps even a few times after that. What I have learned when speaking to most women who find themselves in this position is that they are so used to being in someone elses shadow that they do not now how to stand upfront. So many start to resent themselves for who they are that they fail to recognise their worth.
Society has presented the side-chick life as acceptable and in many ways glorious. With questions like: “There are never going to be enough men in the world so why not just take what you can get?” I understand why women would feel they might as well make do with what is available. But there are never going to be enough jobs in the world for everyone yet you keep fighting and refuse to settle for mediocrity in that area of your life.
If you have been trying to move mountains or have encouraged your friends to move mountains rather focus on becoming a mountain and encouraging people to become mountains. It is not worth it to see yourself as second best for the rest of your life.