*sigh* I need to style my hair in such a way that no one can see my hairline issues.
*sigh* I need to get a weave with a fringe or a side bang so no one can see my suffering hairline.
*sigh* I can’t tie my braids back cause then the Naomi Campbell in me will be exposed.
*sigh* Perhaps I just need to start all over.
These are some of the many thoughts that crossed my mind every single time I changed my hairstyle. I was so self-conscious about people noticing my self-enflicted early onset alopecia. It sucked. No other word can explain it better.
Then when I finally decided I was going to cut it all off I had opinions flying in from all the various influences I had at the time.
My “man” at the time said when women cut their hair it messes with a man’s penis. We just won’t be attractive in the same way.
My mom said looking at some other lady with a bald head that women just need to love themselves more and not do such things.
Some of my friends said you’re gonna look like a little boy. It’s the “little nephew” look.
I had discouragement flying at me from all directions. I decided to try all these funny ointments that didn’t work.
I thought about this all week and I realised my attachment to my hair spoke to a deeper insecurity that I had. The fear that I won’t be attractive without my hair. The fear that I will feel naked without it all just boiled down to one thing.
The young insecure girl I once was in primary school who hid behind being a tomboy and kicking boys in the balls to feel powerful. I wasn’t pretty. I didn’t feel pretty and I was afraid of feeling that way all over again.
I sat and I thought about the woman I’ve grown to be and I realised what I was doing was stupid. I was more insecure hiding my hairline under a weave than anything. I had become so consumed by what other people thought that I forgot to do what was best for me.
I decided to cut it all off without telling anyone or asking their permission. I cut it all off for me. So I could stop hiding behind my hair and allowing it to give me a false sense of confidence. I cut it all off and I feel great.
All I need to do is get a few headscarfs and beanies for winter though. The Johannesburg wind is not my friend.